The Cannibal Children
by Luna Raven 1908
Summary: There is some crazy dark shit going on in the Animal Crossing universe... And Chow isn't having it as long as he is Mayor!


Author's notes 1: This is told from the view of a human resident of Chowtown in the Animal Crossing world. Chow has overthrown Tortimer and become Mayor in this town. More notes at the end.

The Cannibal Children: Extended Director's Cut

It was Halloween and the children were hungry. The pantry was packed with food of all kinds, but they didn't want any of it, so they went out into the night.

The children went to the neighbor's house. She was an old bitch who came out with a bowl of crappy ass candy. "Oh, ain't y'all cute?" (Insert atomic nausea and projectile vomiting here.), the old bitch said. "but where's y'all's bags?"

The children opened their mouths and showed their Ferengi teeth.

"FEED US!", the children yelled over and over again.

The old bitch screamed and keeled over (HA! HA! You fell!). The children ran into the house and went straight for the mouse traps, stomping ants into the sick ass carpet along the way. Of course the traps were full of headless mice, as well as blood and mouse guts slopped around (did you know mice bleed red too?). The heads had bounced off the cabinet doors and landed a few feet away from their bodies. It would have been a good laugh if those children weren't so hungry…

The children went for the de-crap-itated (decapitated) mice and swallowed them whole. They really should have looked for the old bitch's antique cookbook. It had a gnarly recipe for Mouseburger and French Flies: Extra Crispy!

But it did not matter… the children could not cook or even reach the stove or microwave, for the children were mice themselves. You see, the old bitch killed the Great mouse King and just threw him in the trash. So if you kill a mouse, make sure your Trick-Or-Treaters are not the Cannibal Children… especially if you live all alone because you're such a bitch…

From the old bitch's antique cookbook, "Welcome to The World: Recipes from Burger World"- here are instructions on how to roast a mouse. First, dangle the dead mouse in front of an old hag. The legs should move very loosely. If not, the meat has already gotten hard. Bury the poor thing and catch another one. Repeat the first step.

When you have a loose meat mouse, place the carcass in a large casserole dish. Set the oven to 325 degrees. Get out all the sauces and spices you can find. Dump them all over that sucker and USE YOUR BARE HANDS to rub it in. Make sure to get in between the mouse's little toes (if you get scratched, the mouse ain't dead, dumbass). Cook the meat for 25 minutes or until the old hag yells at you for baking a mouse in her oven. Uhhhh… you did do it in her oven, right? Hope you did, but whatever, just take it out and carve it up. Chow down!

Huh, huh… I said Chow, aiya.

Then dangle the bones in front of the old hag.

And that's how you make Mouseburger and French Flies. Come back now, y'all hear?

By the way, the old bitch woke up a few hours later to find her crib had been egged and paintballed. It also had a layer of lunchmeat and saran wrap on it. This is what happens when you give out those nasty ass Smarties on Halloween. So don't do that either unless you like freak mouse children eating your dead rodent stash, then having your crib egged, paintballed, lunchmeat-ed, and saran wrapped, not to mention the neighborhood kids pointing ang laughing at you. Don't be like the old bitch!

The Cannibal Children II: November The First!

The paintballs were still fresh. The eggs were still slimy. But the lunchmeat was really starting to stink under that saran wrap. All the kids were still pointing and laughing at the old bitch and her crib. There was a long boring game show marathon on TV (insert YWAN, GAG, AND SNORE here), but instead , the old bitch wanted to make lunch for the kids next door.

First she scooped up dome dog dirt that didn't smell anymore (insert kids yelling EWWWWWWWWWW! And laughing) and took it into the house. The old bitch got out her antique cookbook. Of course it was full of recipes for those with repulsive tastes. She read the one for Mouse Pasta and placed the dog dirt in the microwave until it re-ripened nicely (or should I say badly?) and got it all hot and bubbly, melting like cheese. She cooked the pasta and checked the cabinet for meat.

JACKPOT!

The traps were full again with headless mice, as well as blood and mouse guts that slopped around. The old bitch picked up the pieces and tossed them in with the pasta. Then she poured the liquefied dog dirt into the pot. It oozed down, you could just see the green toxic fumes coming up from it.

Ten minutes later, the meal was done. I'll spare you the details on how she determined that.

Ok, she tasted it.

The old bitch put it in a fancy bowl and covered it in foil. Then she took it next door, where the Cannibal children lived. It was just in time for lunch, and the children ate the pasta whole, even the fancy ass bowl and foil covering, chewing everything with their Ferengi choppers. The old bitch then went home and watched "The Price Is Right" all day.

The normal neighborhood kids saw everything and told their parents, who called Mayor Chow.

Mayor Chow didn't take any B.S. He came to the crib and saw the dirty dishes in the cabinet. He looked over and saw the cookbook opened to 'Mouse Pasta With Dog Dirt". Oh, and the smell in the house!

Mayor Chow got so disgusted, he puked right there in the living room. The vomit came up so hard and fast, it made him have to piss. He just pissed in the corner since the crib stunk of feces and death anyway…

The old bitch just sat there staring blankly at a TV screen. It wasn't even "The Price Is Right" that was playing. It was… "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"!

"You are very sick, aiya.", said Mayor Chow. "We can't have crazies like you in Chowtown. There are LAWS against killing the Great Mouse King! Aiya! Get in here and take her ass away!"

Two big men in white coats came in and took her away to a home for the criminally insane. Mayor Chow took one last look around in disgust. "They don't make enough hand sanitizer for this, aiya. BLEAH!"

The Cannibal Children paid Tom Nook more than enough Bells to connect the two houses, and they never went hungry again.

The old bitch wasn't so lucky. Her neighbors (on the other side) sued her for stealing their dog's stool. So don't steal dog shit and don't feed the Cannibal Children.

Didn't I tell you ding-bats already… don't feed the Cannibal Children?

A/N: Originally written for my grandmother to disgust her. It was payback for disrespecting my late father. I also bought a rubber rat and put it in her face. It was funny, you had to be there.

Chow is my favorite Animal Crossing character. I even use "aiya" in my daily vocabulary, so there.

The Cannibal Children: 2005 Melissa Watts aka Luna Raven

The Cannibal Children II- November The First: 2006 Melissa Watts aka Luna Raven

Thanks for reading my old ramblings! I swear I was not using drugs when writing these stories!

Aiya!


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